i walk slowly when i am alone;

i've never felt so tired in my life.
even that time when i was hung over and passed out for 5 hours.
that was like dying.

what's hard to live with is tired.
over the past four years, i have never woke up.
feeling good about myself.
feeling good about the day to come
over the past year, the only thing i could look forward to was going back to sleep.
my eyes go green from over crying.
and my throat begins to throb from gasping to breathe.

it's getting worse, because i've let myself loose all thats sane within me.
i think i've finally lost my mind.
tuesday night, i thought i felt a presence within 20 cm of me.
i could feel the cold hair brushing on my arm,
as i'm just laying in my bed, wondering when i'd fall asleep.
wondering if i'd actually wake up alive or not.
the lights flickered, so i shot up and turned on all the lights.

i don't even feel safe when i'm alone.
untill someones around me i feel secure.
but there's also this one person that makes me feel safe.
there's no greater feeling knowing someones arms are around you.

funny how one person can make one small thing change,
and it can make such a a greater impact to the surface around you.

drop back down

never focused much attention on school.
my minds set on the coast, the east coast.
growing up to live with all the things i've done.
all the rules i've breaken, all the hearts i've breaken;
all the pain i've felt, all the love i've shared.

the coast was the summer i spent on.
spent waisting my time thinking about a boy
who isen't even in my life anymore.
everytime i think about the time i've waisted on him.
i think about how i could of lost my virginity that summer.
or all the people i could of bin with, but i didn't.

i gave so much to so many people,
and they just took it and put it aside.
letting me grow old and weak.
now look at me.

i'm not a wreck, and i'm not close to perfect.
but right now i feel on top of the world,.
i have a lot,
and for once in my life;
i gave you my love, and you gave me your's back.

crazy to think that,
you and your bestfriend were to fall for each other.
i just wish you wern't so immature so i could tell you how i really feel.

no fighting wars.

each day,
i never realise i found something that keeps me going.
i was always the one saying,
you have to stop and watch the world change,
and not rush everyday.
meanwhile i was doing that.
it took awhile to finally get the concept.
but i think i finally understand.

this whole time i was trying to come up with solutions,
to change the world for better, or try.
& now it occurs to me, words speak louder then actions.

each day i grow more to the fact im going to die one day.
no matter how much i dont want to,
no matter how hard i try to figure out what happends.

i can't live forever, i'm not superman.
but i'm going to try to do all the things i want to.
just to say i did, and live with that fact i did it.

i'm not going to be the one hiding anymore.
knowing me, i'm going to change my mind.
but i'll try not to, to show i'm worth trying.

i had to get this far

inside me i want to feel something with meaning.
everything loses faith.
i'm lacking faith.
if i can't believe in myself how can i believe in living.
how can i get up everyday,
how can i lie to myself.
i don't know what hurts most.
i don't know what's hurting me.
and i don't have any strategies,
i can't vent, i can't talk.
and i don't want to talk.
i haven't talked so much, i'm full.
i'm full of words or moments i've never let go.
i can't let go no matter how much i want to.
everything i say is wrong, ITS ALL WRONG.
and it makes me sad that i can't be right.

do you know how it feels to be unable to agree with yourself,
not matter how right you are.
no matter how bad i want to change i can't let myself.
and i want to change.
to feel happy again.

i'm just feeling sorry for myself.

everything's a mess.
scrambled thoughts and infected gun fires.
through every piece of me.
but it dosen't hurt.
i'm so used to your pain; i'm imune to it.
the addicting adrenaline that i prey for.

the adrenaline caused by your damage.
it hurts so good. it bleeds so fast.
i sapose if you didn't start
i wouldn't be in this situation.

the lovely situation where everything's making 360 degree turn
turning upside down till every last drop of my emotion falls.
imagine all the pieces of my system on the ground.
searching for that last beat of life, that you stole.

knocking me out for the thousandth fucking time.
leaving me to clean up all the pieces for the thousandth fucking time.
crying as i'm stitching back together the things you destroyed.

oh the pain.

God know's i've tried.

after last night i just want a break;
a break from everything, not death,
just a vaccation to escape this reality.

not just anyone could understand
but i'm sure a lot of people could relate.

this reminds me of two years ago;
when i was the girl sitting on my bed,
with a knife after writing countless
suicide letters, with cuts never deep enough.

Do you know how bad i want to try again?
Do you know how many times a year this endless depression comes back,
its feeding on me, eating away every piece of confidence i fucking have left.
and when it's all gone it moves onto something else.
Ripping out pieces of everything it can get it's sharp teeth on.

like a leech sucking the blood out of me, in this case my life.
It's like a case of APL,Acute promyelocytic leukemia;
it's never fully cured, it comes back and before you know it your unconcious.

i'm just gonna walk through the door like nothing happend,
keeping everything else inside,unable to function right.
or concentrate, while getting drenched with questions of why i didn't hand in my assignment.
I was busy, "doing what?" she'll ask.

Crying my fucking eyes out.

mm whatcha say? that you only ment well? well of course you did.

your always thinking,
thinking about something.
thinking about people .
thinking when your not thinking.
feeling things you dont want to feel,
but you feel it anyways.

thinking about how you left me feeling.
you left me feeling cold empty and cut.
bleeding out invisible blood, black cold blood.
my eyes are filled with tears shedding memorys of our past.
leaving no near future.

your just like everyone else, leaving.
leaving me to cry about you while your gone.
with the feeling i have left im shaking at what i'll become.

now i lay alone, thinking and feeling the same way you do.
i told you how i felt before you left,
and you still left, and you ripped out myheart and walked away
leading a trail of blood and bluey-purple veins.

countless amounts of black maascara and salty based tears roll down my cheek
onto my track pants as you finally say goodbye for the last time,
with a meaningfull i love you.
it hurt so much more then it should of.

eastiest hello;hardest goodbye.

the hardest part is letting go.

so you didn't end up leaving this year,
i was estatic that you were still here.
so i had one more year to get ready before highschool;
with the help of someone who could understand and listen.

then friday came of the first week . 9/11/9.
i wrote you a letter thanking you for all you've done.
& quote " reality is; i don't need you in my life anymore,
as painful as it is to say, i've grown stronger".
-i'm sorry for lying to you.

i haven't grown up over the summer,
i coaped with the pain of thinking you'd leave me.
waisted countless jars of tears and countless lonely hours
thinking about life without you .

i thought i grew stronger without you being there for two months,
but truth is i just covered it with happiness and new emotions
i've never bin exposed to, being overwhelmed and being played.

it's like a mother and a child,
they think there ready to leave home but truth be told,
there not, and they need there mother.

ever since i've written that letter , i've had a fear you'd leave for real.
pack your bags and actually leave, because i thought i don't need you.
i'm really stupid for writing that and i'm sorry.
i need you.

where are the garbage bags?

"where are the garbage bags?"
over there in the corner on the floor,
i threw my heart over there before.
but i don't know why i was mad ,
cause you didn't do anything that was bad.

the girl that like's you, i depise her.
get her out of my sight, or just try to disguise her.
i'm not sure about what i feel for you,
but i haven't thought much about trying to be "true".

this may not make much sence,
but i think we just made a mess,
hence, the thought that you made me really tense.

your alot of stress, did you know that?.

you are changing over the past days, and so am i.
but nothings changed. it's just the side i didn't see .
and you don't see me, but i get it.
\
fuck it.

it's totally a strech.

life isen't about learning ways not to ruin your life,
life is about having fun before it ends,
life is about creating new experiences,making friends&memories.

so if you want to tell me different, go ahead.
everyone else has there opinion,
and to believe in something their hearts persue.
life revolves around what you want it to,
and what inspires you, it could be anything.

music dosen't make your life better,
you can't live off music and music alone,
you wouldn't addapt to anything, and know nothing.
and it would leave you wanting,
wanting to learn about everything it tells you about.

there's never a win win situation in sinarios,
there's pro's and con's in everything, and it sucks.
: " it's life, you 'never' get your way" .
You do get your way, anyway you want it actually.
if something goe's wrong it's your own fault, not your parents.

my life is about writing everything i know and feel,
i feel the need to write about what i've learned.

i've learned i wouldn't get anywhere without my friends,
i've learned i don't want you back, i only let myself think that.

i'm waiting to see where this road will take me,
and along the way , i'll take note of everything.

love don't live here anymore.

my emotions , it comes natural .
what isen't natural iss what you're doing to them.
you're toying with me , and it's making a terrible knot in my stomach .
I'm not filled with guilt, i'm filled with loneliness .

you act as if nothing happend when my motivation is crashing down before my weak eyes.
everything just looks wrong to me right now. Do you see what your doing to me ?
you're breaking me , the girl you said to act real.
What's more real then this ? Nothing . Why don't you see it ?

Things are changing , like you said they wouldn't .
You said i changed to much ; i'm turning and screaming for it not to happen . it is .
how can i ever find myself if your not around .
all you do is talk and talk and talk . well now , it's going to just be silence.
cold , dead , shallow silence .

im so speachless im just wasting away my breath trying to talk.
why should i waste my time when i cant change anything.
watching you walk away was the hardest thing ive witnessed.
you walked away with a piece of me in your hand.
you saw me crying , an you said i shouldnt be.
fuck were you ever wrong.

i'm tired of being trapped in a world where theres no paralell emotion .
my emotions are never ending , never dying , and never weakening .
there strong and the only thing that involves the words weak and emotions in a sentence ,
is the fact my emotions are making me week .

mistakes arn't making me stronger, there tearing me down faster then you could imagine .
i've seen millions of faces that just stare at me , not in my eyes looking for storys .
they know i'm scared. inside im terrifyed . i don't want to live on like this .

if i could shutdown all thoughts that come across my mind i would.
just to know im still alive and living with the fact ill never be the same.
its that bad . its like nothing you'd think it would be.
i rather kill myself then feel this for 24 more hours ,

i hope my words are strong enough to hit your lungs the way they hit mine .

i'm going to keep my head held high.

I never though it would be like this ,
190 days went by like it was one month or two .

I've never met anyone who cared so much about me like you did,
You're love ment the most to me . You saw me for me , inside and out .
I wish you could understand how much you mean to me .
I'll never be able to give you back the time and respect you gave me.

You treated me like I was the only person you wanted to talk to .
You gave me the time of day , I'll never forget you .
You may never understand how much that ment to me .
I hate to see you go so soon .

I can't stop crying right now.
It's the last day of school, two hours have passed since I said goodbye.
It wasen't much of a goodbye , but I was scared to show emotion .
I wish you didn't have to go , it honestly hurt's me so much to say it .

I want to thank you for a great year.
For letting me open up to you when I couldn't trust anyone else.
For helping me through everything and showing me a better person.
Out of all the times you saw my insecurity and anger, you always said:
"Inside , theres a sweet,caring girl, I know her, where is she?"

It will still bring me to tears probably tommorow, and the next day or longer.
I hope to see you again soon .
Just know i'll never forget you or the things you've done for me .
I hope you'll think of me often,
and how much you've helped me . and changed me .

Thank you for everything Ben .
You're the best teacher i've ever had .

Sincerely,
ton petit giroutte . :(

vacines and vodka ; herion and heart attacks.

life is a neverending emotion .
it tear's you apart after you finally think you're better .
depression is like a sickness,
you can't stop catching it .
unlike the flu , you can't get a shot for it .

instead we inject herion instead of vacines ,
instead of exhailing oxygen we exhail smoke .
instead of consuming water we consume alcohol.

why ? because we're sick .
sick of trying ,
sick of trying to find a resolution ,
yeah you have one , but you'll never use it .
because you don't have the strength ,
you get knocked back down ,
as your self esteem follows.

sick of fighting.
sick of fighting for what's right or wrong,
when everything seems to be wrong .
the battle of life , is a fight .
a fight you never know is going to end ,
and then suddenly, it does.
Could be as fast as the speed of sound ,
or as harsh and long as a wound healing .

sick of feeling all these pains that are not nessicary .
Quite frankly I don't know if I should keep fighting for nothing,
or just swallow everything and choke .
choke on my every thought you never bother'd giving a fuck about .

how many heart's will die here tonight ?

As i sit here ,
emotions take controll over my body .
it's bin dallas green for the past 20 hours ,
no one else i rather shrug to the thought of .

As i listen to Hello , I'm in Delaware ,
thoughts of you pass in and out of my mind .
Everytime I'm over you I'm not .

i broke my own heart into a million pieces ,
and your's too . I'll never have a strong enough sorry .
It hurt's alot .

Things will never be the same , ever .
but I miss your text's , if i'm at school or in bed .
and your offline messages , that were extremely long .

I was in love with you , like no other love .
And as it hurts to say ,
I'll need some time to get over this .

i'll some how make it out .

to be hurt , is one thing ,
but to hurt another , is cold .

I don't know how bad i hurt you,
and it dosen't show .
But you seem to be alright on you're own ,
for the most part.

You have all these amazing people now anyways,
so I don't see why you wouldn't be happy .

On the other hand;

Me, I thought I was doing fine.
untill the next day came along .
I thought breaking up with you , wouldn't matter at all .
To be honest, It's killing me.

It's like having a knife drove through you're heart.
and it's perminatly stuck there untill you can fix it .
Good fucking luck , Cause i'll need it .

I told you I didn't want to go out with you ,
and now I hope you know why that is.

I told myself I wouldn't miss you ,
It's not the first time I've ever lied to myself.

just a little less obvious ,

Have you ever noticed me ?
The small things about me what you wouldn't care for atleast;

Like the paleness in my face , but my back is tan ?
Or just how ice cold my hands are from the lack of iron I have ?

How my eyes go green when I cry ?
Or how there gold when I'm happy .

How much care I put into my words ,
Or my careless stutter from thinking to many things at once .

My hopeless dream for the sun to shine all day .
Or maybe that I have insomnia .

Or do you just see ;

That girl in French Immersion with light bright eyes ,
alot of makeup , Orange/brown hairs , Always tired ,
B- average girl ?

The girl with a thousand lies written all over .

Let's compare scars , i'll tell you whose' is worse .

Trace your hand markings .
Follow your creases' .
Find your fast beating pulse .

My hand's are different .
I can see a blue vein that travels through my hand .
I follow it down my hand ;
Beneath the fresh red wounds .
I see blue , it stands still .
Without a beat .

I wonder if it travel's to my heart ,
cause my heart feels the same pain my wrist does .

I hope you choke on my words .

Can you like , get a fucking clue ?
I know you're stupid ;
but I never though you'd go THIS far .

You have this , incredible power ; to make rules that could save us .
But you chose to , Drive your greedy ass around in your hummer .
And count your money while smiling , because you think your it all
and then some . But your not .

Let me tell you one thing ,
If I ran this place , The artic wouldn't be melting .
I blame you for chaos .

People HATE you , I'm number one of that fan club .
I've gotten to the point where I don't even want you to exsist .

I live to make sure every breath you take
is an inhail of guilt and greed .

Now why don't you smarten up ,
get your prioraties straight and fix this mess
I don't wish you harm ,
Just wish something would hit you in the head .

And watch , a couple years from now .
When there's a flood, and you don't know why ,
But I do of course .

You'll have wished you listened to that little girl,
who wrote you that letter telling you off .

And you'll go to hell , for greed .
Seven deadly sins baby .

then I just smile ,

It's crazy , YOUR crazy .

So at our school, every year , students get chosen
to go to leadership camps for a week in the summer .

I want an option for art ,
you may not know it but i'm really good at art .
I'm creative as can be too , never failed art .

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CHOSE HIM ?
He' sucks ass at drawing , and you think that
i' wont follow the rules , bull shit .
He's more dis-obeydiant then me .

I think you lost your mind .
Even everyone in our class agrees
that I should have gone .

But then again , after he spilt his lunch ALL
over the floor running by .
Imagine what's going to happen at camp.

LMFAO , in a way ,
I feel alot better now :)

" She thinks she boss, dosen't she? "

I come this far to fail , stumble & get cuts.
Well their not going away as fast as they used too .
They don't want to heal . Just like the words you throw at me.

Just maybe , I'm a waste of space
like you named me as .
Cause clearly I have no right to be here , where I am now .

You save no time for me , as if I'm just another face you hate seeing .
I never ment to pester you with my lack of intellegence ,
but maybe I'm just like everyone else .

You wouldn't know , because you're not me ,
Or the fact you never gave me the time of day .
I wish you would have , I could have showed you
how remarkable I can be , In a way , I'm just like her .

Now , I'm something you wouldn't of ever guessed .
I'm proceeding with sucsess towards my future .
In a way , I think you gave me hell to show you
I can do so much better .

Or maybe ,
You just did truely hate me .

but secretly I don't blame you .

Un comphrendable

Have you ever thought this was the last dream , or nightmare,
you'd ever wake up too ?

Have you ever thought these are the last steps you'd ever take ?
Counting your paces, slowly.

Have you ever thought this is the last beem or light you'd ever see?
The sun , blinding your wide eyes .

It's the slowly moving hourglass that controlls you.
but you can't hide it , or start it over .

It's a matter of life and death .

Their too busy thinking, what she's thinking about, if she like's you, if he like's you,
or what are they doing tonight?
Your last breath barried beneath your weak lungs , is gone .
There describing their memorys of the cold, pale body in the box.
You're surrounded, by your friends, and your family.

What happend's next?
Cause we're all dying to know .

It's not easy , But it's worth a try .

Human Rights - Martin Luther King ( Activist ) ;
"We cannot walk alone.
And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.
We cannot turn back." - Martin Luther King

Pushing Blacks and Whites together as one ,We are all one , orientation or religion .

If Martin Luther King could change people to realise that , racism is wrong ,
why can't we prove no matter which gender we pursue you
have free will to love who we want or do what we want .

Facts show if you are Gay , Bi Sexual , or Lesbian .
You will go to hell , even if you Pray , Go to Church and/or are Catholic .

That is stereotypical and sexist .Having laws against gay marriage is wrong .
We are all human,all created into the same world . Why don't we act like it ?

This is exactly no different from what happend along time ago,Whites against Blacks , and Germans against Jews , and much more .

What is wrong with us ? We are no better then them , falling along in their foot steps .
Causing shame put on them to be who they want .We treat them like their lower then us , mock there silence and feed them negative input .We all have voices , and so do they .
If studies show Gay's go to hell ,you are going against the word and will of God as much as you abuse it .

"O My Jesus , Forgive Us are Sins , and Save us from the fires of hell, And Lead all souls to Heaven , especially those who most need of thy mercy ." - Fatima Prayer.
-- Cause you know God is so agains't gay's he would say that ?

This is all our World, we need to bring life to the fullest and show ourselves .
We can be whoever we want , and the reality is you can't controll our lives.

We are taught , to know wrong from right .
No one has the right to do wrong .
Yet we still do it .

21 " Show the same love to wise servants that you would show to yourself ,and let them have their freedom " . - SIRACH 7 .

And as for God , all that you know , is that you know nothing at all .
You cannot judge people on the way they live , or that makes you wrong .
You cannot make it a law for gay marriage to be a sin , when all you do is make new sins up .
Your going beyond the bible, that is just sick .

"Making someone's life miserable is like finding pleasure in death or bombing for peace "
Its NOT right .

" All we are saying is give peace a chance. " - John Lennon .

Generations.

Today , is a completely different story .
Another story to tell your family in years .

Let's make a comparison ,
70's - 2009.
We're fucked up .

We're destroying humanity , and our economy.
We're melting the artic , and it's moving quite vast .
If the government cared , He wouldn't be driving around in his own hummer,
and would have started making rules, to help us live longer ,
but instead , he's banning energy drinks if you're under 18
So our parents can vote for your sorry ass .

We want more then life as it is right now ,
Does anyone even know the reason there's a war in Iraq?
I wish we could live without all this technology ,
so fat kid's could go outside , and anerexic kid's would stop
finding ways to lose weight .
They probably won't even know to shove a spoon down their throat.

I don't know what it is , but something inside me is striving to find more reasons
to talk shit about our world , and how far we've come , to stop moving forward.
But I just want to know why , this time we can't fix this .