God know's i've tried.

after last night i just want a break;
a break from everything, not death,
just a vaccation to escape this reality.

not just anyone could understand
but i'm sure a lot of people could relate.

this reminds me of two years ago;
when i was the girl sitting on my bed,
with a knife after writing countless
suicide letters, with cuts never deep enough.

Do you know how bad i want to try again?
Do you know how many times a year this endless depression comes back,
its feeding on me, eating away every piece of confidence i fucking have left.
and when it's all gone it moves onto something else.
Ripping out pieces of everything it can get it's sharp teeth on.

like a leech sucking the blood out of me, in this case my life.
It's like a case of APL,Acute promyelocytic leukemia;
it's never fully cured, it comes back and before you know it your unconcious.

i'm just gonna walk through the door like nothing happend,
keeping everything else inside,unable to function right.
or concentrate, while getting drenched with questions of why i didn't hand in my assignment.
I was busy, "doing what?" she'll ask.

Crying my fucking eyes out.

mm whatcha say? that you only ment well? well of course you did.

your always thinking,
thinking about something.
thinking about people .
thinking when your not thinking.
feeling things you dont want to feel,
but you feel it anyways.

thinking about how you left me feeling.
you left me feeling cold empty and cut.
bleeding out invisible blood, black cold blood.
my eyes are filled with tears shedding memorys of our past.
leaving no near future.

your just like everyone else, leaving.
leaving me to cry about you while your gone.
with the feeling i have left im shaking at what i'll become.

now i lay alone, thinking and feeling the same way you do.
i told you how i felt before you left,
and you still left, and you ripped out myheart and walked away
leading a trail of blood and bluey-purple veins.

countless amounts of black maascara and salty based tears roll down my cheek
onto my track pants as you finally say goodbye for the last time,
with a meaningfull i love you.
it hurt so much more then it should of.

eastiest hello;hardest goodbye.

the hardest part is letting go.

so you didn't end up leaving this year,
i was estatic that you were still here.
so i had one more year to get ready before highschool;
with the help of someone who could understand and listen.

then friday came of the first week . 9/11/9.
i wrote you a letter thanking you for all you've done.
& quote " reality is; i don't need you in my life anymore,
as painful as it is to say, i've grown stronger".
-i'm sorry for lying to you.

i haven't grown up over the summer,
i coaped with the pain of thinking you'd leave me.
waisted countless jars of tears and countless lonely hours
thinking about life without you .

i thought i grew stronger without you being there for two months,
but truth is i just covered it with happiness and new emotions
i've never bin exposed to, being overwhelmed and being played.

it's like a mother and a child,
they think there ready to leave home but truth be told,
there not, and they need there mother.

ever since i've written that letter , i've had a fear you'd leave for real.
pack your bags and actually leave, because i thought i don't need you.
i'm really stupid for writing that and i'm sorry.
i need you.

where are the garbage bags?

"where are the garbage bags?"
over there in the corner on the floor,
i threw my heart over there before.
but i don't know why i was mad ,
cause you didn't do anything that was bad.

the girl that like's you, i depise her.
get her out of my sight, or just try to disguise her.
i'm not sure about what i feel for you,
but i haven't thought much about trying to be "true".

this may not make much sence,
but i think we just made a mess,
hence, the thought that you made me really tense.

your alot of stress, did you know that?.

you are changing over the past days, and so am i.
but nothings changed. it's just the side i didn't see .
and you don't see me, but i get it.
\
fuck it.

it's totally a strech.

life isen't about learning ways not to ruin your life,
life is about having fun before it ends,
life is about creating new experiences,making friends&memories.

so if you want to tell me different, go ahead.
everyone else has there opinion,
and to believe in something their hearts persue.
life revolves around what you want it to,
and what inspires you, it could be anything.

music dosen't make your life better,
you can't live off music and music alone,
you wouldn't addapt to anything, and know nothing.
and it would leave you wanting,
wanting to learn about everything it tells you about.

there's never a win win situation in sinarios,
there's pro's and con's in everything, and it sucks.
: " it's life, you 'never' get your way" .
You do get your way, anyway you want it actually.
if something goe's wrong it's your own fault, not your parents.

my life is about writing everything i know and feel,
i feel the need to write about what i've learned.

i've learned i wouldn't get anywhere without my friends,
i've learned i don't want you back, i only let myself think that.

i'm waiting to see where this road will take me,
and along the way , i'll take note of everything.

love don't live here anymore.

my emotions , it comes natural .
what isen't natural iss what you're doing to them.
you're toying with me , and it's making a terrible knot in my stomach .
I'm not filled with guilt, i'm filled with loneliness .

you act as if nothing happend when my motivation is crashing down before my weak eyes.
everything just looks wrong to me right now. Do you see what your doing to me ?
you're breaking me , the girl you said to act real.
What's more real then this ? Nothing . Why don't you see it ?

Things are changing , like you said they wouldn't .
You said i changed to much ; i'm turning and screaming for it not to happen . it is .
how can i ever find myself if your not around .
all you do is talk and talk and talk . well now , it's going to just be silence.
cold , dead , shallow silence .

im so speachless im just wasting away my breath trying to talk.
why should i waste my time when i cant change anything.
watching you walk away was the hardest thing ive witnessed.
you walked away with a piece of me in your hand.
you saw me crying , an you said i shouldnt be.
fuck were you ever wrong.

i'm tired of being trapped in a world where theres no paralell emotion .
my emotions are never ending , never dying , and never weakening .
there strong and the only thing that involves the words weak and emotions in a sentence ,
is the fact my emotions are making me week .

mistakes arn't making me stronger, there tearing me down faster then you could imagine .
i've seen millions of faces that just stare at me , not in my eyes looking for storys .
they know i'm scared. inside im terrifyed . i don't want to live on like this .

if i could shutdown all thoughts that come across my mind i would.
just to know im still alive and living with the fact ill never be the same.
its that bad . its like nothing you'd think it would be.
i rather kill myself then feel this for 24 more hours ,

i hope my words are strong enough to hit your lungs the way they hit mine .

i'm going to keep my head held high.

I never though it would be like this ,
190 days went by like it was one month or two .

I've never met anyone who cared so much about me like you did,
You're love ment the most to me . You saw me for me , inside and out .
I wish you could understand how much you mean to me .
I'll never be able to give you back the time and respect you gave me.

You treated me like I was the only person you wanted to talk to .
You gave me the time of day , I'll never forget you .
You may never understand how much that ment to me .
I hate to see you go so soon .

I can't stop crying right now.
It's the last day of school, two hours have passed since I said goodbye.
It wasen't much of a goodbye , but I was scared to show emotion .
I wish you didn't have to go , it honestly hurt's me so much to say it .

I want to thank you for a great year.
For letting me open up to you when I couldn't trust anyone else.
For helping me through everything and showing me a better person.
Out of all the times you saw my insecurity and anger, you always said:
"Inside , theres a sweet,caring girl, I know her, where is she?"

It will still bring me to tears probably tommorow, and the next day or longer.
I hope to see you again soon .
Just know i'll never forget you or the things you've done for me .
I hope you'll think of me often,
and how much you've helped me . and changed me .

Thank you for everything Ben .
You're the best teacher i've ever had .

Sincerely,
ton petit giroutte . :(