i had to get this far

inside me i want to feel something with meaning.
everything loses faith.
i'm lacking faith.
if i can't believe in myself how can i believe in living.
how can i get up everyday,
how can i lie to myself.
i don't know what hurts most.
i don't know what's hurting me.
and i don't have any strategies,
i can't vent, i can't talk.
and i don't want to talk.
i haven't talked so much, i'm full.
i'm full of words or moments i've never let go.
i can't let go no matter how much i want to.
everything i say is wrong, ITS ALL WRONG.
and it makes me sad that i can't be right.

do you know how it feels to be unable to agree with yourself,
not matter how right you are.
no matter how bad i want to change i can't let myself.
and i want to change.
to feel happy again.

i'm just feeling sorry for myself.

everything's a mess.
scrambled thoughts and infected gun fires.
through every piece of me.
but it dosen't hurt.
i'm so used to your pain; i'm imune to it.
the addicting adrenaline that i prey for.

the adrenaline caused by your damage.
it hurts so good. it bleeds so fast.
i sapose if you didn't start
i wouldn't be in this situation.

the lovely situation where everything's making 360 degree turn
turning upside down till every last drop of my emotion falls.
imagine all the pieces of my system on the ground.
searching for that last beat of life, that you stole.

knocking me out for the thousandth fucking time.
leaving me to clean up all the pieces for the thousandth fucking time.
crying as i'm stitching back together the things you destroyed.

oh the pain.

God know's i've tried.

after last night i just want a break;
a break from everything, not death,
just a vaccation to escape this reality.

not just anyone could understand
but i'm sure a lot of people could relate.

this reminds me of two years ago;
when i was the girl sitting on my bed,
with a knife after writing countless
suicide letters, with cuts never deep enough.

Do you know how bad i want to try again?
Do you know how many times a year this endless depression comes back,
its feeding on me, eating away every piece of confidence i fucking have left.
and when it's all gone it moves onto something else.
Ripping out pieces of everything it can get it's sharp teeth on.

like a leech sucking the blood out of me, in this case my life.
It's like a case of APL,Acute promyelocytic leukemia;
it's never fully cured, it comes back and before you know it your unconcious.

i'm just gonna walk through the door like nothing happend,
keeping everything else inside,unable to function right.
or concentrate, while getting drenched with questions of why i didn't hand in my assignment.
I was busy, "doing what?" she'll ask.

Crying my fucking eyes out.

mm whatcha say? that you only ment well? well of course you did.

your always thinking,
thinking about something.
thinking about people .
thinking when your not thinking.
feeling things you dont want to feel,
but you feel it anyways.

thinking about how you left me feeling.
you left me feeling cold empty and cut.
bleeding out invisible blood, black cold blood.
my eyes are filled with tears shedding memorys of our past.
leaving no near future.

your just like everyone else, leaving.
leaving me to cry about you while your gone.
with the feeling i have left im shaking at what i'll become.

now i lay alone, thinking and feeling the same way you do.
i told you how i felt before you left,
and you still left, and you ripped out myheart and walked away
leading a trail of blood and bluey-purple veins.

countless amounts of black maascara and salty based tears roll down my cheek
onto my track pants as you finally say goodbye for the last time,
with a meaningfull i love you.
it hurt so much more then it should of.

eastiest hello;hardest goodbye.

the hardest part is letting go.

so you didn't end up leaving this year,
i was estatic that you were still here.
so i had one more year to get ready before highschool;
with the help of someone who could understand and listen.

then friday came of the first week . 9/11/9.
i wrote you a letter thanking you for all you've done.
& quote " reality is; i don't need you in my life anymore,
as painful as it is to say, i've grown stronger".
-i'm sorry for lying to you.

i haven't grown up over the summer,
i coaped with the pain of thinking you'd leave me.
waisted countless jars of tears and countless lonely hours
thinking about life without you .

i thought i grew stronger without you being there for two months,
but truth is i just covered it with happiness and new emotions
i've never bin exposed to, being overwhelmed and being played.

it's like a mother and a child,
they think there ready to leave home but truth be told,
there not, and they need there mother.

ever since i've written that letter , i've had a fear you'd leave for real.
pack your bags and actually leave, because i thought i don't need you.
i'm really stupid for writing that and i'm sorry.
i need you.

where are the garbage bags?

"where are the garbage bags?"
over there in the corner on the floor,
i threw my heart over there before.
but i don't know why i was mad ,
cause you didn't do anything that was bad.

the girl that like's you, i depise her.
get her out of my sight, or just try to disguise her.
i'm not sure about what i feel for you,
but i haven't thought much about trying to be "true".

this may not make much sence,
but i think we just made a mess,
hence, the thought that you made me really tense.

your alot of stress, did you know that?.

you are changing over the past days, and so am i.
but nothings changed. it's just the side i didn't see .
and you don't see me, but i get it.
\
fuck it.

it's totally a strech.

life isen't about learning ways not to ruin your life,
life is about having fun before it ends,
life is about creating new experiences,making friends&memories.

so if you want to tell me different, go ahead.
everyone else has there opinion,
and to believe in something their hearts persue.
life revolves around what you want it to,
and what inspires you, it could be anything.

music dosen't make your life better,
you can't live off music and music alone,
you wouldn't addapt to anything, and know nothing.
and it would leave you wanting,
wanting to learn about everything it tells you about.

there's never a win win situation in sinarios,
there's pro's and con's in everything, and it sucks.
: " it's life, you 'never' get your way" .
You do get your way, anyway you want it actually.
if something goe's wrong it's your own fault, not your parents.

my life is about writing everything i know and feel,
i feel the need to write about what i've learned.

i've learned i wouldn't get anywhere without my friends,
i've learned i don't want you back, i only let myself think that.

i'm waiting to see where this road will take me,
and along the way , i'll take note of everything.