God know's i've tried.

after last night i just want a break;
a break from everything, not death,
just a vaccation to escape this reality.

not just anyone could understand
but i'm sure a lot of people could relate.

this reminds me of two years ago;
when i was the girl sitting on my bed,
with a knife after writing countless
suicide letters, with cuts never deep enough.

Do you know how bad i want to try again?
Do you know how many times a year this endless depression comes back,
its feeding on me, eating away every piece of confidence i fucking have left.
and when it's all gone it moves onto something else.
Ripping out pieces of everything it can get it's sharp teeth on.

like a leech sucking the blood out of me, in this case my life.
It's like a case of APL,Acute promyelocytic leukemia;
it's never fully cured, it comes back and before you know it your unconcious.

i'm just gonna walk through the door like nothing happend,
keeping everything else inside,unable to function right.
or concentrate, while getting drenched with questions of why i didn't hand in my assignment.
I was busy, "doing what?" she'll ask.

Crying my fucking eyes out.

mm whatcha say? that you only ment well? well of course you did.

your always thinking,
thinking about something.
thinking about people .
thinking when your not thinking.
feeling things you dont want to feel,
but you feel it anyways.

thinking about how you left me feeling.
you left me feeling cold empty and cut.
bleeding out invisible blood, black cold blood.
my eyes are filled with tears shedding memorys of our past.
leaving no near future.

your just like everyone else, leaving.
leaving me to cry about you while your gone.
with the feeling i have left im shaking at what i'll become.

now i lay alone, thinking and feeling the same way you do.
i told you how i felt before you left,
and you still left, and you ripped out myheart and walked away
leading a trail of blood and bluey-purple veins.

countless amounts of black maascara and salty based tears roll down my cheek
onto my track pants as you finally say goodbye for the last time,
with a meaningfull i love you.
it hurt so much more then it should of.

eastiest hello;hardest goodbye.

the hardest part is letting go.

so you didn't end up leaving this year,
i was estatic that you were still here.
so i had one more year to get ready before highschool;
with the help of someone who could understand and listen.

then friday came of the first week . 9/11/9.
i wrote you a letter thanking you for all you've done.
& quote " reality is; i don't need you in my life anymore,
as painful as it is to say, i've grown stronger".
-i'm sorry for lying to you.

i haven't grown up over the summer,
i coaped with the pain of thinking you'd leave me.
waisted countless jars of tears and countless lonely hours
thinking about life without you .

i thought i grew stronger without you being there for two months,
but truth is i just covered it with happiness and new emotions
i've never bin exposed to, being overwhelmed and being played.

it's like a mother and a child,
they think there ready to leave home but truth be told,
there not, and they need there mother.

ever since i've written that letter , i've had a fear you'd leave for real.
pack your bags and actually leave, because i thought i don't need you.
i'm really stupid for writing that and i'm sorry.
i need you.