nothing to kill or die for... but you

You gave me reason,
a reason to try harder in school.
a reason to come to school.
a reason to take care of myself.
a reason to just try again.

without you i have no reason as a person.
and i know i take every break up to heart.
but no breakup has ever put me in the position
to stay home.
or to drink to much tea, or over eat.
or burst into tears.

i miss staying up on the phone till past twelve,
just because we could.
i miss getting a kiss at the end of every day.
i miss our i love you's.

but i'm still going to try to give up.
because you're over me.
it'll be a misson, and i doubt it will work.

you never stop loving someone, you just learn to live without them..

and i'm still sick.

i have strep throat, i've bin sick for about three weeks.
the beginning of 2010 has bin fucked up for me.
i broke up with my boyfriend,
met a guy i thought was perfect
got played.
have strep throat the whole time basically.
i've missed a lot of school.
behind in homework already, and i'm only in grade eight.

when i'm sick,
i enjoy tea, lots and lots of tea.
theres days i won't eat at all, and days you'd think im obese.
i can still manage to look gorgeous if i'm sick.
but i still feel and look like crap .
i get more emotional then i should and cry over small things.
my life is a rollercoaster.

i felt the earth beneath my feet,

nothing ever felt so wrong.
but when i was with you nothing ever felt so right.
i can barely grow with the fact i broke up with you.
when it was never clear to me your the only one i want.
and the only one i need,
i love'd you so much i would change for you.
i'd do anything you wanted me to.
i' could be anyone you wanted me to be,
and all you had to do was ask.
but that's all gone now.

you move'd on.
and i haven't , but i pretended to be over you.
i want you back and there's nothing i can do about it.
so i just have to move on,
i don't know how i will, but i honestly don't want to try.
all i'm asking for is another chance to have you.
i love you, you're not like anyone else.

but on the other hand,
i've bin taking care of myself.
i broke myself twice.
with another guy after you.
just showing me what i did to you.
i've bin taking care of myself through everything.
and i've opened my eyes a lot.
to realise many things that never did matter.

i'm stuck,
but i'll find out.

& the tears come streaming down your face'

when i'm sick,
it dosen't just affect my immune system.
it affect's all of me.
i go into a physocological state of mind,
where everything is completely messed up and torn.

:everything is louder then it sounds, and it hurts to hear.
the pain is more intese then it should be.
the chest pains i've had for over 13 hours now.
the throat pains that feel like sand paper got gridded against them.
where evey grain of sand had a point like a knife, fantastic ain't it?
every comment that get's thrown at you seems like an insult.
you burst into tears because you can't take it.
every thought you have builds up in your mind,
and makes an army, everything turns against you.
till it shuts you down. all they want is you to give up.
your own eyes go in defense and can't let them stay open.
they close but your system is to screwed over to fall into a sleep.
sleeping disorders kick in and don't let you get your sleep.
your appetite weakens and every time your starving, for the slightest thing.
something that wouldn't bug you before throws you off.
your discusted.
the sunlight is painfull, and the dark is terrifying.
your mind makes everything seem harder then it should be,
makes everything seem like a problem or a hassle.
tells your nerves and muscles that it's to hard to acomplish.

while every one is sound asleep your still fucking awake at 4am in the morning,
trying to figure out which pill you should try next and which tea will make it easier
to get some fucking rest.

i walk slowly when i am alone;

i've never felt so tired in my life.
even that time when i was hung over and passed out for 5 hours.
that was like dying.

what's hard to live with is tired.
over the past four years, i have never woke up.
feeling good about myself.
feeling good about the day to come
over the past year, the only thing i could look forward to was going back to sleep.
my eyes go green from over crying.
and my throat begins to throb from gasping to breathe.

it's getting worse, because i've let myself loose all thats sane within me.
i think i've finally lost my mind.
tuesday night, i thought i felt a presence within 20 cm of me.
i could feel the cold hair brushing on my arm,
as i'm just laying in my bed, wondering when i'd fall asleep.
wondering if i'd actually wake up alive or not.
the lights flickered, so i shot up and turned on all the lights.

i don't even feel safe when i'm alone.
untill someones around me i feel secure.
but there's also this one person that makes me feel safe.
there's no greater feeling knowing someones arms are around you.

funny how one person can make one small thing change,
and it can make such a a greater impact to the surface around you.

drop back down

never focused much attention on school.
my minds set on the coast, the east coast.
growing up to live with all the things i've done.
all the rules i've breaken, all the hearts i've breaken;
all the pain i've felt, all the love i've shared.

the coast was the summer i spent on.
spent waisting my time thinking about a boy
who isen't even in my life anymore.
everytime i think about the time i've waisted on him.
i think about how i could of lost my virginity that summer.
or all the people i could of bin with, but i didn't.

i gave so much to so many people,
and they just took it and put it aside.
letting me grow old and weak.
now look at me.

i'm not a wreck, and i'm not close to perfect.
but right now i feel on top of the world,.
i have a lot,
and for once in my life;
i gave you my love, and you gave me your's back.

crazy to think that,
you and your bestfriend were to fall for each other.
i just wish you wern't so immature so i could tell you how i really feel.

no fighting wars.

each day,
i never realise i found something that keeps me going.
i was always the one saying,
you have to stop and watch the world change,
and not rush everyday.
meanwhile i was doing that.
it took awhile to finally get the concept.
but i think i finally understand.

this whole time i was trying to come up with solutions,
to change the world for better, or try.
& now it occurs to me, words speak louder then actions.

each day i grow more to the fact im going to die one day.
no matter how much i dont want to,
no matter how hard i try to figure out what happends.

i can't live forever, i'm not superman.
but i'm going to try to do all the things i want to.
just to say i did, and live with that fact i did it.

i'm not going to be the one hiding anymore.
knowing me, i'm going to change my mind.
but i'll try not to, to show i'm worth trying.