i had to get this far

inside me i want to feel something with meaning.
everything loses faith.
i'm lacking faith.
if i can't believe in myself how can i believe in living.
how can i get up everyday,
how can i lie to myself.
i don't know what hurts most.
i don't know what's hurting me.
and i don't have any strategies,
i can't vent, i can't talk.
and i don't want to talk.
i haven't talked so much, i'm full.
i'm full of words or moments i've never let go.
i can't let go no matter how much i want to.
everything i say is wrong, ITS ALL WRONG.
and it makes me sad that i can't be right.

do you know how it feels to be unable to agree with yourself,
not matter how right you are.
no matter how bad i want to change i can't let myself.
and i want to change.
to feel happy again.

i'm just feeling sorry for myself.

everything's a mess.
scrambled thoughts and infected gun fires.
through every piece of me.
but it dosen't hurt.
i'm so used to your pain; i'm imune to it.
the addicting adrenaline that i prey for.

the adrenaline caused by your damage.
it hurts so good. it bleeds so fast.
i sapose if you didn't start
i wouldn't be in this situation.

the lovely situation where everything's making 360 degree turn
turning upside down till every last drop of my emotion falls.
imagine all the pieces of my system on the ground.
searching for that last beat of life, that you stole.

knocking me out for the thousandth fucking time.
leaving me to clean up all the pieces for the thousandth fucking time.
crying as i'm stitching back together the things you destroyed.

oh the pain.